10 Small But Effective Ways Happy Couples Stay Happy.
Everyday positive interactions that heal relationships and bring more happiness.
Every relationship has it’s set of problems. Big or small, they form the creaking wheels of a machinery which needs much oiling and constant maintenace. It would be foolish to assume your relationship would always be happy and stress-free. It would be equally foolish to assume that happiness comes naturally and that if it takes effort it’s not worth it.
The best of us would admit that we sometimes can’t stand the sight of our partner. Yet we put in the time, energy and effort to nurture them at their best and cherish them even at their worst.
We learn to accept their quirks and vulnerabilities. At times, without ever letting them know we even see those! We do this with the knowledge and expectation that this goodwill is whole-heartedly reciprocated.
Expectations can be a double edged sword. We expect acceptance for ourselves but learning to accept someone else completely, with no judgement at all, and doing that gracefully, is certainly an art. Sometimes, it happens organically, effortlessly. Othertimes, we put in the 10,000 hours of sheer grit, grime, tears and sweat only to become genius interpretors of our partner’s special brand of uniqueness.
There’s a great, yet imperceptible, difference between a happy secure couple and an unhappy one. It’s not that one has more luck. Or less problems. No no no no no…!
It’s the fact that happy couples have demonstrably more positive interactions with eachother through the day. They take the time and effort to actively infuse their relationship with positivity with their words, actions and intentions. The Gottman Institute famously calls it the “Magic Ratio”- the proportion of positive and negative interactions between a couple. This magic ratio is 5:1 during conflict and even higher outside of conflict.
This means that in a conflict, a stable, happy relationship has five (or even more) positive intercations to every negative type of interaction.
Of course, no relationship is devoid of all conflict. Fights, hurt feelings, angry words, miscommunication, insecurities, emotional blind-spots, core wounds are something that every single one of us carries with us through life. And they only get magnified when we begin to share our life with another equally flawed human being. The key is to understand that no matter how wonderful, adorable and lovely they seem on the surface, they might be just as flawed as us. So, living with them will require some effort and careful consideration on our part.
Keeping this in mind, happy secure couples work on their interactions and actively seek to make their relationship and bond stronger by focusing on positive interactions with eachother in their day to day life.
So, what are these positive interactions that are the secret to long-time success and happiness in a relationship?
- Showing Interest in eachother’s interests.
Two people, no matter how much in love, no matter how compatible, will NOT have everything in common 100%. But, the key to make a partnership work is to respect your partner’s likes, interests and passions. You have to understand that something as mundane as collecting paper straws or collecting pictures of lakes brings a joy to their heart that makes them feel like their best self. - Expressing Affection for eachother.
Communicating your love, loyalty, passion is important. But your partner needs to know that you also LIKE them, that you value their presence, their existance. This cannot be emphasised enough…. Use actual words to TELL THEM YOU LIKE THEM! - Demonstrate that the other person matters!
Secure, happy couples recognize that showing affection for eachother, privately and publicly, is not about fulfilling a need to be needed but is a part of showing grace and recognizing that one is lucky to have a partner that loves them back. Always take every chance you get to show your partner that you value their existence in your life. They should never have to doubt that! - Intentional Appreciation for eachother.
Everyone likes to be appreciated for what they bring to the table. A secure partner understands that. Something as small as waking up early to kiss you good-bye as you leave for work in the morning has the potential to take your day from good to great to fantastic. So, don’t take the small things for granted, and never ever ever ever let them feel that you take them for granted. Be mindful that every gesture big or small is a token of love. - Finding opportunities where you can agree with eachother
No couple agrees on everything 100%. Sharing your life with eachother will undoubtedly highlight your differences. And with time, most couples will feel the need to assert their boundaries in fear of losing their individuality. Secure couples see that as gigantic as the differences are, the similarities and opportunities to connect are what would take the relationship forward. In time, what matters is sharing a common outlook on life not just the lifestyle. Take the effort to find common ground and work on nurturing that and grow from there. - Empathise and Apologise.
Apologizing doesn’t make you less of a person. At the same time, it is definitely not in your partner’s job description to forgive all your faults and transgressions. It is not just one person’s job to apologize, not one person’s job to mend fences, not one person’s job to forgive everything and anything every single time.
An apology to and empathy with your partner conveys that you recognize that you hurt them, and while you know that they always have your back, you also respect them enough to know that trust needs to be cultivated, that you are willing to work on it. Be humble, be understanding, don’t take their commitment for granted. - Accept your partner’s perspective. Validate their perspective.
Your partner is an integral part of you, your life’s journey. So their problems, stresses, shortcomings, faults etc inevitably do become a part of your life. You can’t compartmentalize and leave them to handle their own shit and expect life to flow smoothly nonetheless. Seeing things from their vantage point and understanding their feelings, feeling their feelings is very very important! You may not agree, you may not be able to solve their problems but accept their views and perspectives. Their feelings are part of their humanity. - Make jokes and have fun.
Fun, laughter, joy and happiness is the end goal for everyone in their lives. Being comfortable enough to be silly and have fun with your partner is the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Happy couples learn to enjoy eachothers’ company, make efforts to build that comraderie and take measures to ensure that no matter what life throws at them, there is always time and place for fun and laughter.
Secure couples also know that sometimes one may have to make an extra effort to keep things lighthearted. They don’t begrudge that, and do it anyway. - Make kind gestures.
You choose a person not just because they make you feel good. You choose them knowing that you have to be the “good” in their life as well. Kindness implies care and it’s important that your partner knows that, inspite of it all, you care about them.
Kindness and compassion does not cost much but it acts as a balm on the parts of them that they cannot see, cannot understand and may not be comfortable with. Secure, happy couples understand that while at times loving your partner may be difficult, but being kind should always ALWAYS be the only way you approach the vulnerability in them. - Turn towards your partner more.
Happy secure couples know the difference between including your partner in your life and becoming dependant on them. Include your partner in the details of your life, big and small. Share your thoughts, ideas, views on life, be comfortable voicing your opinions, sharing your feelings. Making your partner feel like a part of your life, helping them navigate through your life choices, helping them intergrate themselves with your people, your family, your friends is your end of the deal that you have to keep.
Turn to them more, keep them around. You have chosen them to be a part of your life so you always have to make sure you keep them clued in. It’s non-negotiable! They may not be able to solve all your problems and that’s OK. But these are the building blocks of trust, loyalty and most importantly, of friendship. This deep friendship is what will deeply enrich your life moving forward.
The most important foundations in a relationship are laid when two people learn to earn eachother’s trust, value that trust and provide a safe space for eachother’s vulnerabilities.
Problems, mistakes, disappointments are a huge part of life, especially when you are sharing it with someone. Learning to recognize these problems for what they truly are, respecting them AND the other person and helping eachother to let go of our hang-ups and heal is what takes any relationship to the next level.
