Delightfully Mindless Endeavours To Take Up During Covid-19 Quarantine.

25 Best Ways Ever to Be The Best Most Perfect Person Ever.

Photo by Pratiksha Mohanty on Unsplash

The whole world has come to a stand still and is now steadfast in it’s earnest desire to come together to fight “The Virus”. You and I can now officially call ourselves superheroes just because we choose to stay indoors. And there has never been a better time in our collective living history when we could pat ourselves on the back whilst indulging in self-pity at the same time.

Who knew that staying home and not meeting other people would be SOOoooooo hard. We never realised how much we craved the mere mundane existence of other people up until now.

While we learn to enjoy the homes we never got to spend much time in, in the company of our family members we took for granted, we are all hard pressed to come up with ways to kill time. Without killing each other, of course.

And so, in the spirit of being a better human and doing my bit for humanity, I have compiled a list of 25 Best Ways Ever, To Be The Best Most Perfect Person Ever during this quarantine. Try these out and thank me later.

1. Get a home hair-cut. Dye your hair with beet-juice. Or Tomato ketchup. Cut your own fringe. Take lots of pictures. If it’s good, you’ll have a new side-career on the other side of the quarantine.
   If it doesn’t work, at least no one will have to look at the horror that would be you.
2. Make a list of the top-5 people in your circle that you wouldn’t mind succumbing to Corona. (And by succumb, I mean the one’s you can permanently spare… if you know what I mean). Call it Karma.
   Reach out to those people, talk to them. Reminisce with them about the evil,shady, weird, not-to-so-endearing things they have done over the years and have a laugh about it. Call it Being Supportive.
3. Call up all the people in your family just to make sure THEY arn’t putting YOU on a their Top-5 People-I-wouldn’t-mind-dying-of-Corona list. ( For reference, see #2 above)
4. Troll random people on facebook with long rants about any thing and every thing. Suggested topics — Global politics. Billionaires. Military expenditure. Stock Market. Sustainable tourism. Stupid-people-who-attend-mass-gatherings-in-times-of-quarantine etc etc etc
5. Light some incense sticks. Or sage stuffed with incense sticks. Cleanse your whole house. Let your fire alarm go off because of it. Then throw pans and brooms at it to shut it down.
   Use a wire-hanger hook to pull the blaring alarm down. Call it A Scientific Invention. If that doesn’t stop it, then have a mental debate about whether paying a fine would be more affordable than getting new batteries.
6. If you have friends in another time-zone, call them up or text them at odd hours. Talk about the benefits of work-from-home, even if they are barely out of bed yet. Call it being concerened.
7. If someone does #6 to you, start whining about how much you hate being at home. Call it Sharing Your Feelings.
8. Call your neighbours. Just to borrow a cup of sugar. Or eggs. Or a hammer. Or a ladder. Or a hair dryer. Or to change a light-bulb. Call it making new friends.
9. Live-stream your hobby of the day on Instagram. Suggested activities — Working on a 2000 piece puzzle. Or learning how to play a flute. Or Cooking home-made pasta from scratch. Or kniting a new scarf. Or potty-training your cat to use the loo. Make a video diary about it.
10. Send a PM to all your contacts so they can join in you when do #9. Get offended if they call it boring/useless on the group chat. Video call them to sort the “misunderstanding” out and invite them again the next day.
11. Live-stream cutting 2kgs of onion. Talk about philosophy, Karma, re-birth, astrology, Saturn, Pluto, Mercury retrogade while you do that. All with tears streaming down your face. Call it Building Your Emotional Quotient.
12. Try a DIY “asthetic nude photo-shoot” in your regular underwear. Call it Art. Put a black and white filter on the pictures and post them on your instagram. Call it self-expression and being comfortable in your own skin.
13. If anyone gets offended by #12 or calls you thirsty, then have an epic rant about your mental health.
    Post more such “classy” pictures in your ratty old black lingerie anyway. Call it taking-a-stand-against-bullies.
14. Start reporting social media accounts of people you never really liked anyway but were too polite to cut out of your social circle.
    When accounts get blocked be sympathetic towards the person and let them cry and have a sob-fest on video call.
15. Try Vogue’s latest home make-up routines. Or those by Bobby B. Or better still, Kylie J. Contour the sh** out of your face. Every. Single. Day!
    Click tons of pictures with a duck-face and batting your eye-lashes. Put different filters on and constantly keep posting theses on your instagram stories.
    Do this even if you are dude.
16. Pick a fight with your husband (or wife) about that last big fight you had with your husband (or wife). Call it “working on the relationship”.
    Then watch that Tiger people documentary on Netflix afterwards. (Every legit problem or concern in your real-life will seem sane and logical and trivial after that).
17. Do not watch the F.R.I.E.N.D.S re-run. In fact, look down upon the people that do that. Dare yourself to finish the second season of Altered Carbon instead.
    By the time your brain fog ends the quarantine will be over.
18. Try singing like the Italians on your balcony. See if anyone else joins you. Suggested accessories — Drums. Or Cymbals. Or a Piano. Or a bass guitar. (You don’t need to know how to play. Or sing). Do it every day at the same time. Call it keeping the morale high.
    Livesteam this, hoping you would go viral.
19. Buy a pair of binoculars and spy into other peoples homes. Call it getting to know the neighbours. Keep a diary about what you see…. just incase you actually want to get to know the neighbour once the quarantine is over.
20. Make your own home sanitizer. Use this recipe — Vodka+Water 70-30. Put lemon wedges in it because the Chinese doctors said lemon helps kill the virus more effectively. Spray your whole house with it everyday. Especially, spray yourself.
    Infact, spray yourself with this, head-to-toe, twice a day just in-case. (The quarantine will pass in half the time…if you know what I mean)
21. Read every single WhatsApp forward and watch every single video that your mother forwards to you.
    If they arn’t forwardimg you anything then you do it to them. And then discuss it over meal-times.
22. Try a you-tube home workout. With the whole gym gear on, head-band and all. Take a video of yourself trying the home workout. Post it on social media as a motivation for others. Then discuss your “form” in the comments section. Have a whole conversation about it with yourself about yourself in the comments.
23. Watch a very popular blockbuster movie everyday. Write a synopisis about it. Make sure it is at least a 1000 words long. Better still, write in your native/regional/local language. Post it on facebook. Then make a video discussing this essay. Livestream it.
24. Send a good morning gif to every member of your extended family. Then send them the daily Corona virus death toll for every country. Then talk about how this is all divine a plan of the Universe to purge the earth and how happy the animals are to get their habitat back.
25. Start discussing economy/markets/layoffs/prices of gold in group chats. Especially towads the end of the day when people are expected to be bored and anxious about being indoors forever. Then when the discussion gets heated and depressing , go off to sleep and don’t reply to anyone’s messages.

And most important of all, rinse and repeat till we make it to the other side of this Armageddon.

. . .

Disclaimer: This is all in good humour. No stray Cats, Dogs, Cows, Crows or Bats will be harmed even if you actaully try this.